I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
