I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
