I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
