My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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