I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
