Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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