I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When are your genitals available?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
