The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize