phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
