i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
