I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
