I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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