Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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