My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
