I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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