I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
