im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
