Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
