Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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