Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize