Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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