remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
