Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
