i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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