If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
