i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
