Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
