you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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