the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize