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• (310): View more from California

  that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

  (818): View more from California

  its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

  (310): View more from California

  you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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• (360): View more from Washington

  So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

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• (845): View more from New York

  I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I think I might cry.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool

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• (607): View more from New York

  guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick

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• (361): View more from Texas

  u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.

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