Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
