Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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