I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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