I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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