Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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