i was born a porn star she said
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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