guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
