'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
