you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
