Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize