I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
