dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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