I can tuck mytits in my pants
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
