im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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