the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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