I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
