Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
