I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Less talking, more tequila
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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