Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
