He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
