Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
