Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
