I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
