Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize