go do what you do best...puke behind churches
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
