Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
