you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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