I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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