Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
