OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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