If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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