Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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