I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
