Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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