I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize