They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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