So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
nutella sex= disaster
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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