Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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