So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize